I did not walk into this whole pregnancy thing thinking it would be all roses and puppy dogs, but at 4 1/2 months, it's already much harder than I expected. Now, I'm sure a lot of this has to do with the fact that I'm carrying three babies and not just one, but still. There are just so many things that people don't tell you about pregnancy...
1) People are stupid. With all the things people should tell you about pregnancy, there are many other things people shouldn't say when you are pregnant. Here are some examples from just this week. "Did you get some rest? You looked really tired the last time I saw you." "Wow! You're face is really red. Are you having hot flashes or something?"
2) It's like dementia, but for young people. You've probably heard of the contested idea of "baby brain." I think it's worse than that. (And I swear it's true.) My grandma used to forget where she was going when she left a room and sometimes even forget the purpose of her sentence as she was saying it. That's how it feels when you're pregnant. Just today, I picked up dinner, got into my car and looked with astonishment at my phone, which was in my center console. I used it while I was waiting for my food and had no recollection of putting it in the car, but unless my purse and vehicle are inhabited by ghosts, I must have done it.
3) It's' like puberty, but for older people. Think back to the days - probably in Junior High - when your skin started to become oily, zits started to appear on your face and back, and you maybe even flushed when someone talked about sex. Yeah, that happens again. I have more body acne now than I ever had... total... in my entire life... combined. A whopping 15 minutes passes and my face is covered with oil and I'm shining like a beacon in the night.
4) Breathing becomes a thing of the past. That lovely pregnancy "glow" that people talk about (that apparently makes me look like a red faced wino), I discovered, is actually caused by the major influx of blood produced by pregnant women. Interesting fact, but who knew that it also caused the arteries in your nasal passages to expand, which makes it hard to breathe. It feels like you're congested - and sometimes you are because you can't take, well, anything for allergies or congestion - but really it's the interior of your nose swelling with blood, which will come gushing out if you foolheartedly decide to blow your nose to relieve the pressure.
5) Random rogue hairs appear, unsolicited. As a kid, you probably remember spying Uncle Sammy's nose and ear hair sprouting uncontrollably from places it shouldn't have been or Aunt Sally's chin whiskers. Yeah, that also happens you when you're pregnant. Random, long hairs start springing up in the most unlikely of places, from your chin to your boob or even your arm. And they don't seem to grow. They just magically appear one day.
6) Your uterus has more connections than you do. Everyone knows that your uterus grows during pregnancy and that makes you waddle, causes you back pain, and makes you look "cute" to everyone who's not currently pregnant. But what you may not know is that your sciatic nerve runs under that same uterus and, as it expands (as good pregnant uteri do) it tends to press on that nerve, which can cause shooting pain down your leg, up your back, or cause numbness in your foot or toes. It also presses up into your ribs, making yet another part of your body ache and contributing to #4 - breathing as a thing of the past.
7) Feeling the pressure. Everyone knows that the weight gain and shifting bulge of pregnancy causes feet and ankle swelling, but it also causes crazy lower abdominal pressure. A woman I spoke with today said it was an intense burning sensation for her, but mine is more like a combination of intense bladder pressure with menstrual cramps. And once it starts, it doesn't go away until the baby weight is gone.
8) Information overload. Before the Internet, people couldn't look up every ache and pain to see what could be the cause. Not today. We have so many resources that something as normal as backache can turn into a purportedly life-threatening situation for mom and baby. And if that wasn't enough, once people learn that you're pregnant, everyone wants to tell you what you can and cannot do.
9) Losing control. Everyone knows of the stereotypical pregnant woman depicted in movies and TV. You know, the one weeping uncontrollably at the Hallmark commercial or swinging wildly from one emotion to the next. Now, to be fair, this seems to vary widely, so I won't even try to make a claim about emotional control. What you probably don't know about, though, is bladder control. As the uterus expands, it puts an increasing amount of weight on the bladder and any little laugh, cough or sneeze can cause one to be in need of a minor wardrobe change.
10) It's a long tunnel. Although pregnancy and parenthood is definitely something to embrace and be excited about, it can feel like the light at the end of your tunnel is a very long way away. And, although many people around you will probably not fully understand your feelings, it's okay to be sad, angry or frustrated at the process. For approximately 40 weeks you lose control of your body and there is very little you can do about it. Just today, I was expressing my frustration to a mother and she said, "But you're almost there." I couldn't believe her. To get into the "safe zone," I've got at least 11 weeks - that's almost three months. And the ideal is actually 17 weeks - over four months. Three to four months and I already spend most of my day struggling for a comfortable position, struggling to remain motivated enough to teach classes, let alone grade work once I'm home, struggling to know that there are things I need and want to do that I simply can't physically do any more, struggling with the fear that I'll be put on bed rest for those 3-4 months or that the babies will come early and this will all be for naught. And unlike everyone else who is not currently pregnant, you can't walk away from these things because your body is a constant reminder of each and every one. I think those are grounds to feel moody, depressed and irritable. Hopefully not all of the time or for the entire pregnancy, but it is really hard to look down that long tunnel and know that these things will not go away early. You won't wake up tomorrow and suddenly feel fabulous for the rest of the pregnancy. And I think we do present and future pregnant women a disservice when we make them feel like they are bad people for feeling this way. Think, for a moment, about the last time you were really sick and how, after several days of misery, you began to feel like you would never get better. Now imagine that illness lasting for 10 months. Now you're beginning to empathize with the pregnant woman. It is truly a long tunnel at times.
There are far more symptoms and side effects of pregnancy - some good and others bad - but these are all symptoms I have been lucky enough to experience during the past 4 1/2 months. And I know there are some women out there who never experience any of these. (And yes, sometimes I want to punch them in the face.) And aside from being humorous to post, I hope that some people do learn something, even if it's just empathy, through this "top ten" list. I know I didn't know any of this stuff when I began this journey and I wish people had been more honest with their own experiences in order to better prepare me for this process. So here's my contribution. I hope that you found it both enjoyable and enlightening.
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