Good Timing

Although we didn't plan it this way, our decision to begin IVF again in November came at the perfect time. Anything having to do with babies and pregnancy weigh heavily after you have lost one, and there were a ton of people I knew who were pregnant and having babies shortly after we lost our triplets. But the biggest hurdle for me was a friend who had struggled through IVF during many, many cycles became pregnant with triplets and who told me within a month after our loss. I understood her excitement, fear and desire to reach out to the only person who could come close to understanding her situation, but it was difficult nonetheless. Well, today she had her triplets. From what I understand, mom and babies are doing well. Now, of course, we are happy for her; but there is still that pang of resentment - of why did it work for her and not for me? I know it's irrational, but it's there.

But that wasn't all. Another dear friend of ours recently learned that their baby has a birth defect that may take her life before she is ever born. Today, her doctor confirmed that the chances are virtually nonexistent, but they are choosing to go forward with the pregnancy to see what happens. This hit close to home for me. Although our circumstances were very different, we were faced with a similar decision after we lost Ewan. The twin's sack was no longer in tact and had to be sewn up and we weren't sure about Amelia's position. Things were tenuous and we had the option to end it right there. But I had hope. If there was even a chance that I could keep them inside long enough for them to survive, I had to do it. That is the same decision my friend has made. Shortly thereafter, she asked friends for any advice for coping with that decision. Despite my shared experience, I had nothing to give. On the one hand, you want to encourage hope. On the other, you know the odds are staring you down. You have to stick with hope and endure the result. It takes a strong person to make that decision and it's a position I wish on no one.

These two scenarios are poignant reminders of our not so distant past: the struggles, the possibilities, the loss. They break my heart, but there is this glint of redemption in November. I don't mean to say that a baby will solve everything. (In fact, it will complicate many things.) But trying again represents our ability to overcome a fear. It's like metaphorically getting back on the horse, I suppose. It's something we can to not to overcome, but to move forward. And it becomes that little reminder that all is not lost.

If at First you Don't Succeed...

You know the old axiom, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!" Well, we certainly didn't succeed at this whole I'm-gonna-be-a-what thing, so I guess we need to try, try again. And try we will!

In the spirit of openness (despite recommendations from friends) I am letting you know that we will begin the IVF process again this November. We were planning on December, but there isn't a cycle then and we decided not to put it off until January. So there it is!

As you have read, it has been difficult getting to the place where we can really consider trying this again; but even as we were losing our children, we were inquiring when we could repeat the attempt. It's weird. We never really felt a strong pull towards parenthood, but in losing our children, we realized how much being parents means to us. So we knew that we would do this again.

I don't know what it will feel like to go back to the fertility clinic and revisit the dietary restrictions, daily hormone injections, and vaginal goos and pills, but I think we're ready for it. We will never be over losing Ewan, Amelia and Sebastian, but I believe that moving forward with another pregnancy will help the healing process. And, all things considered, we are in a good place. My physical therapist says I'm progressing nicely, so if I keep up with my exercises I should be strong enough to carry a child. My reproductive side seems to be okay, so says my fabulous OBGYN, and the specialist seems to think it's okay to move forward. So here we go!

This next round will be easier. I won't have to undergo as many hormone injections because we have five frozen blastocysts (fertilized five day old eggs) that are available to transfer. We transfered two last time and ended up with three babies, so this time we are going for one. All they need to do is get my body to think it's two weeks pregnant by the time of the transfer, follow the directions, and hope for the best.

My protocol appointment is October 10, so I'll know a lot more then. I promise I will keep you updated. Although there is always a chance we will lose this pregnancy, too, I am committed to being open and honest about the process, my emotions during it, and the results. I hope that it helps people now and in the future. So stay tuned and please keep sharing my information. Thanks for all of your interest, love and support... we're going to need it!

Them Young Folk

"Good habits formed at youth make
 all the difference."
- Aristotle

"The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently."
- Friedrich Nietzsche


I began teaching at twenty-five. I hadn't developed my teacherly persona and didn't know much about dressing the part, so I was often mistaken for a student. And, in fact, I was pretty close in age to many of my students. Sometimes, even younger than they were. But now I've been teaching for eight years and my students and I are growing apart in age. (That's not to say there aren't still some older students, but on average, I'm becoming the twentysomething's version of old.) It's inevitable, but disheartening to learn your students were born around the same time you graduated from high school.

There are many stereotypes about this generation that is entering adulthood. Every generation gets their label and their matching characteristics, and these guys are the Millennials. Experts describe them as narcissistic, entitled kids with short attention spans. And some are, but nothing is ever that simple or easy to define, and I'm glad for that.

Today I got to sit down with a few of my female students after class. It started with a conversation about calorie counting (I know, so stereotypical, right?) but slowly moved into a conversation about their failed relationships and my failed pregnancy. Everyone was curious, respectful, and eager to share, and our conversation quickly moved from the light topic of dieting (no pun intended) to stories of pain, loss, struggle, and striving to overcome. I learned I was not the only one of us who had experienced the loss of a baby and my own thoughts were reflected in her self doubts. I heard of infertility in friends and family; how pregnancy can be both a curse and a blessing, but how parenting equals love no matter how difficult it may be. It was amazing and simple and honest and... beautiful.

As often as I see entitlement and narcissism, I more often see transparency and curiosity. I think those are the important qualities in our Millennials. My generation was one of big changes. Like our grandparents who experienced the invention of the automobile, the factory, several wars, the cell phone, and computer, we have seen significant advancements. We have seen the development of the Internet, growing awareness for causes that were taboo and "dirty" (like AIDS, breast and testicular cancer), the growth of women's rights, and the explosion of text and dimishing of the printed word. But the Millenials have grown up in a world that is more equal than it has ever been, with ease of communication and fewer taboos than any of us have known. I believe that is what makes it easier for them to be curious and feel okay sharing about difficult things. It's not that women are going around telling everyone about how they were raped or that they had to get an abortion or that they lost a baby; but in a safe environment, I think they are more willing to share this information that older women, even women of my generation. For this, I am thankful. This gives me hope that infertility, miscarriage, and pre-term labor loss can lose their shades of guilt and shame. That we can speak of these things with wisdom, medical knowledge, and empathy in order to help those who have experienced them and bring awareness to those who have been and will be lucky enough to never experience them.

So, to those students (you know who you are) and to other Millennials like them, I thank you and encourage you to break more barriers and bring more of these hushed subjects into the light. As Mahatma Ghandi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." My hope is that we will all embody that and change the world.

Keep Spreading the Word

Tell me all about it!

I got some amazing exposure after my post "Spread the Word" and I thank all of you who visited and/or promoted my page. Unfortunately, numbers dropped back down again after that big push. I think a lot of that comes from people being reluctant to "follow" the blog. Without some consistent connection, the blog falls down the priority list and often out of mind for awhile. I've been trying to figure out how to change that and finally it hit me: Facebook! As bad as it may be, people (myself included) are addicted to Facebook. So, I just created a page for this blog: www.facebook.com/imgonnabeawhat Now, people can check in and share my information on a platform that is probably a part of their day to day lives. My hope is this (and probably starting a second Twitter account) will help to spread the word about IVF, miscarriage and preterm labor loss.

As I move back into the "real world," I am reminded over and over again about how important these issues are... and how little people talk about them. Then, I have to remember that breast cancer and testicular cancer and even sex were very taboo topics not that long ago, and that birth control is still relatively new and is still controversial in some circles. And, despite the amazing advances women have made in the last half-dozen decades, motherhood and parenting are still very gendered and very touchy subjects that we like to gloss over. So, I have to take pride in those who are willing to come out - as painful as it may be - to share their stories and be vulnerable with people, and I will feature those brave women and men whenever I run across them. And I would LOVE your help promoting these sites - not so I can make oodles of money, but so I can hopefully help get the conversational ball rolling about these amazingly important issues that remain hidden out of sight.

And please, please share this information with anyone and everyone you know! You would be amazed at the number of people who secretly share that they, too, have experienced this loss. And if you see anyone else talking about this, please let me know so that I can connect our sites and expand on this newly emerging community.

Thanks!