It's been about two weeks since I've blogged and oh what a two weeks they've been. I started the first of my meds - Lupron - which is a subcutaneous shot done every evening. My husband has been graciously stabbing me in the stomach every night since Tuesday Sept. 13. Now that I'm doing it, the shots aren't so bad; but I was an emotional wreck the weekend prior. I got this good sized box in the mail with a mini-cooler in it with a vial of Lupron, a bunch of alcohol pads and a box of syringes. Thank God this has been a fast process because I don't know if I could have lasted much longer.
On the bright side, I haven't had many side effects. I wasn't sure what would happen to me or my body, but it hasn't been that bad. The worst thing is that the hormones seem to have me suspended in the worst part of my normal cycle - where I get migraines - and I'm not allowed to take Advil, which is my go-to drug. I was told on Tuesday that I can take Imitrex, which I was grateful to know since I got another migraine last night (Wed) but then wished I hadn't known because I felt absolutely miserable. Let's just say the migraine would have been a step up in the area of discomfort.
Aside from that, I've just been itchy. Not terribly itchy, but I'll find myself scratching my palms or wrist area, or the bottoms of my feet will drive me nuts. This is weird because I haven't found anything or anyone (including a pharmacist) who has found that as a side effect. It has continued now that I've started the Ghonal, but I didn't think much of it until today when I got an email from my boss that our campus has had an outbreak of Scabies. And what, you ask, is the primary indicator of Scabies? Itching! So I looked into that and I'm about 99% sure that my itching is unrelated and that I don't have little mites under my skin. Ewww! But seriously, what are the odds?!
But I've been trying to stay positive. It comes and goes. I wish I could say I'm happy all the time, but honestly, I think I'm pissed off more than anything. It may just be hormones, but I hate being angry all of the time. I want to be happy and optimistic, but that so often seems out of reach. Last weekend we did go look at a new baby store in town and it was fun to think of the possibilities. It is easy to get wrapped up in the procedures and forget why we're doing this, but the end result is scary, too, especially when we learned we have a 25% chance of twins since my body is in good shape fertility-wise. Ahh!
We've also told more people than we originally intended. I guess this is just a hard thing to keep quiet. It becomes such a part of your day-to-day life. Hopefully everything will work out for the best and we'll be confirming happy news instead of reporting to a dozen people why we're not pregnant. But it's weird that, no matter how many people we tell, I don't feel any more supported. Neither of my two closest friends have been checking in on me with any sense of regularity. In fact, I've gotten maybe one text from each of them since my first appointment nine days ago. And the other friends, I really only talk to when they're over. So, despite people knowing, support is low. My sister has been good at finding time to call and text, and my mom is always eager for an update, but doesn't want to bother me by calling. Apparently no one understands that I'd like for it to seem like people care. I'm not psychic. I don't know that you're thinking about me and I often feel alone in this process. My husband has been great, but it's not his body so it's not as constant for him. He can step away from it when he wants to, but I can't.
I don't want to dwell or harp or bitch, but this process can be overwhelming. If I was just doing this, it would be one thing, but I'm teaching four classes and am up by 6:30 am every morning. And I come home with lots of work - planning, essay-reading, grading - not to mention normal house work. Now I learn that I'm only going to know 36 hours in advance when my procedure is going to be and it will require me to take a day off. Taking a day off means planning ahead and having a sub lined up... but how do you line up a sub when you don't know what day you need him/her? My boss also doesn't know about this, so at what point do I tell her? And how much do I share? It's a lot to have on your mind at once and when I really think about it, I feel that panic set in and I don't know what to do. I don't think I've ever felt so much anxiety or felt so helpless and I didn't fully realize it until now. People say that the IVF process is stressful and that it's a roller coaster of emotion, but I've felt pretty good. I'm not on a ton of drugs and I haven't felt that abnormal. But when I sit down like to this to reflect, I realize that I have been stressed. I have been on a roller coaster. I suppose it's to be expected, but this is one ride I'll be glad I got on, but I'll be even happier to get off.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Deep Breaths
In the past two weeks, I have visited the ER for blood work, had a vaginal ultrasound, taken medications, had an X-Ray of my uterus, and consulted with my fertility doctor about our IVF schedule. Today, I received my temperature controlled box of medication and syringes. And in the next three weeks I will have my blood drawn at least three times and have a minimum of two doctor's appointments. And in that fourth week? That's when IVF will occur. Needless to say, I'm feeling a little anxious.
With this last visit, I received a lot of information, but one specific sheet was about stress. It said that women preparing to undergo IVF often have the same stress levels of a person undergoing treatment for a terminal illness. This is not comforting, but it is reassuring that I'm not going nuts. Yesterday, I was nauseous from the time of our appointment until I went to sleep. I kept sighing every 5-10 minutes. I took a lot of deep breaths. But right before I went to bed, I asked myself, "why are you so stressed out?" I couldn't really answer. For many women, the procedures themselves are the scary part. So many people don't like doctors and hospitals that the thought of blood being taken or going in for outpatient surgery sends them through the roof. But I'm not that way. It's not that I enjoy having medical work done, but I don't dread it, either. Is it the shots? Perhaps. I have to say the prospect of stabbing myself in the stomach every day for a while, and then twice a day for a while after that, does not leave me with a warm fuzzy feeling. But I'm sure once I've done it once or twice, the fear of the unknown will vanish and it will become just another minor procedure. Perhaps it's impending parenthood and the stresses of actually being pregnant. That is something that seems daunting, too. I guess the bottom line is that I'm scared of the unknown.
So how do I relieve that stress? How do I make myself not anxious or afraid of what's ahead? I am not generally an anxious person, but this is different. But I am also told that I need to minimize stress during all of this. Easy for them to say! They're not teaching four eight-week classes and having people shove stuff into veins and orifices every few days! They say communication, yoga, and deep breathing will help. But I'm doing these things and my stomach still feels like a tight ball in my torso. I now have a box of needles and a vial of medication in my refrigerator, which I'm going to see every day when I open up the door to get a snack. But I don't even have to open the door to be reminded of this. I have paperwork to sign, tests to take, reminders on my phone... not to mention dietary restrictions and the changes that are already going on in my body. I want to be excited about this - the process and the intended result. I've written about keeping an emotional buffer, but we've talked about the need to be excited. To not expect the worse and celebrate the possibilities. But I don't even know how to do that! I bought a really cool book called The Pregnant Body, which I've been reading. But in my head, the only real thing is the next step, whether it's the meds, an appointment or a procedure. And then there is work... and time off in week four... and...
How do you turn off your brain and just do what needs to be done? My husband has been great thus far and he wants to be my "rock," so that when I feel lost or confused (or name any other love song cliche) I can (wait for it) lean on him. This is great, but sometimes it makes him seem detached. Perhaps he is detached. I mean, it's not his body. He may have to help give me shots, but they're not going in his belly. His hormones aren't going to go crazy. He's not going to get morning sickness or watch his belly grow exponentially!
But I want to be happy about all of this. And I think I am, beneath all of the panic. I want my friends (those who we've told) to be excited, and they probably are beneath the distractions of their own lives. I want to accept that this is happening - that we have chosen it (and are paying a lot for this choice) - and enjoy it through all of it's stages. Maybe if I keep writing, saying, and thinking this mantra, it will be true. And in between the mantra? Lots of deep breaths.
With this last visit, I received a lot of information, but one specific sheet was about stress. It said that women preparing to undergo IVF often have the same stress levels of a person undergoing treatment for a terminal illness. This is not comforting, but it is reassuring that I'm not going nuts. Yesterday, I was nauseous from the time of our appointment until I went to sleep. I kept sighing every 5-10 minutes. I took a lot of deep breaths. But right before I went to bed, I asked myself, "why are you so stressed out?" I couldn't really answer. For many women, the procedures themselves are the scary part. So many people don't like doctors and hospitals that the thought of blood being taken or going in for outpatient surgery sends them through the roof. But I'm not that way. It's not that I enjoy having medical work done, but I don't dread it, either. Is it the shots? Perhaps. I have to say the prospect of stabbing myself in the stomach every day for a while, and then twice a day for a while after that, does not leave me with a warm fuzzy feeling. But I'm sure once I've done it once or twice, the fear of the unknown will vanish and it will become just another minor procedure. Perhaps it's impending parenthood and the stresses of actually being pregnant. That is something that seems daunting, too. I guess the bottom line is that I'm scared of the unknown.
So how do I relieve that stress? How do I make myself not anxious or afraid of what's ahead? I am not generally an anxious person, but this is different. But I am also told that I need to minimize stress during all of this. Easy for them to say! They're not teaching four eight-week classes and having people shove stuff into veins and orifices every few days! They say communication, yoga, and deep breathing will help. But I'm doing these things and my stomach still feels like a tight ball in my torso. I now have a box of needles and a vial of medication in my refrigerator, which I'm going to see every day when I open up the door to get a snack. But I don't even have to open the door to be reminded of this. I have paperwork to sign, tests to take, reminders on my phone... not to mention dietary restrictions and the changes that are already going on in my body. I want to be excited about this - the process and the intended result. I've written about keeping an emotional buffer, but we've talked about the need to be excited. To not expect the worse and celebrate the possibilities. But I don't even know how to do that! I bought a really cool book called The Pregnant Body, which I've been reading. But in my head, the only real thing is the next step, whether it's the meds, an appointment or a procedure. And then there is work... and time off in week four... and...
How do you turn off your brain and just do what needs to be done? My husband has been great thus far and he wants to be my "rock," so that when I feel lost or confused (or name any other love song cliche) I can (wait for it) lean on him. This is great, but sometimes it makes him seem detached. Perhaps he is detached. I mean, it's not his body. He may have to help give me shots, but they're not going in his belly. His hormones aren't going to go crazy. He's not going to get morning sickness or watch his belly grow exponentially!
But I want to be happy about all of this. And I think I am, beneath all of the panic. I want my friends (those who we've told) to be excited, and they probably are beneath the distractions of their own lives. I want to accept that this is happening - that we have chosen it (and are paying a lot for this choice) - and enjoy it through all of it's stages. Maybe if I keep writing, saying, and thinking this mantra, it will be true. And in between the mantra? Lots of deep breaths.
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