Moving Forward

Things have been moving pretty quickly around here, both in the fertility world and my professional world. We started a new teaching session, which included a fourth class I wasn't previously aware of (which I've never taught, by the way). So things have been a bit overwhelming. On the fertility side, I started my cycle on Friday, which meant I had to visit the ER for blood work on Sunday. This was unfortunate for several reasons, the largest being financial. I was warned that ERs often don't run the lab work through your insurance and instead charge you the full amount and leave the rest up to you. And this is exactly what happened. Luckily, the warning prepared me so that I didn't try to rip someone's head off when I was told to pay $563.72. I simply smiled, handed the guy my card and went on to have my blood drawn. However, when I went to my ultrasound, the employees at the specialist's office were appalled. I'm am, hence, in the process of getting the necessary information in order to get a reimbursement.

The rest of the ultrasound appointment was, however, good news. We think that my side of the fertility game is okay, but we don't know it. This started to confirm our hopes. When I first met with the specialist, he said they harvest all of the viable eggs when the time comes, and that number is generally around fifteen. So when the nurse who was counting my follicles moved into double digits on just one ovary, I was feeling pretty good. My total ended up around thirty, which is (from what I am told) a pretty high number. But follicles don't necessarily mean good eggs. They just mean the possibility of good eggs. I have an X-ray scheduled for next Tuesday to see if the rest of my system looks as good as my initial ultrasound. Then, we meet with the specialist again the following Friday and, if all looks good, we proceed with the IVF. That means that we could be pregnant by the end of September! That is so so so crazy!

It's hard to know how to feel about all of this. Things look good, which is very encouraging; but it's easy to get lost in the medical side of everything and to forget the end goal. Sometimes I even have a hard time saying the word "baby" out loud. It is something I want (most of the time), but it still scares me to think of it as a reality. Just thinking about the next appointment, the next test, and what our options are makes the entire thing more logical and I remain more detached. And in some ways that is a good thing. Despite the time, effort and money, nothing is guaranteed to us. This makes some amount of detachment healthy, right? I don't want to be so wrapped up in the idea of becoming a mother that I am completely crushed if things don't work out, which I've seen both with people undergoing IVF and the normal pregnancy process. But at what point does the detachment become a problem? When does it stop being a healthy sense of protection and move into denial or the ignoring of reality? Should I think about fun things like baby names and nursery decor or will that leave me too vulnerable for disappointment? I don't know, but I wish I did. For now, I think I'll stick with detachment but dabble a little in dreaming for the future. Hopefully, this will allow me to find a decent balance and, of course, we hope it will all end in good tears.