Change

This entire process is so surreal... and it's making me feel a bit bipolar. I haven't even started, well, anything yet and I find myself moving from one end of the emotional spectrum to the next each and every day. On Wed, I woke up feeling pretty good, but found myself on the verge of tears reading birthday cards for my sister. Talk about a walking cliche! And this is me WITHOUT the hormone treatment! My God, how will I be in a few weeks? And today, I've been thinking about how I'd love to just start my period so we could get into the process, but now just lying on the couch I started to panic. I've never had any issues with anxiety, but I could feel it rising in my body - from my stomach to my chest - and my heart began to race. Ugh! But I'm feeling better now. It's amazing how cathartic writing can be.

It's so weird to want something you have never wanted before. I think that's at the root of this. I am so accustomed to not wanting a child that I can't convince myself of our current path all of the time. Sometimes that other part of me comes through and I panic. Our lives are good right now. We have a routine. Our marriage is good. Why add something to complicate it? But them again, why not spice it up? Why not bring someone else into something good, especially when kids are exposed to so much hardship these days? That brings me comfort. I know we're making the right choice, but it's such a big choice. Sometimes I simply have to remind myself that it IS a good choice.