Miles to Go Before I Sleep

"But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep."
  - Robert Frost

"I put a piece of paper under my pillow, and when I could not sleep I wrote in the dark."
  - Henry David Thoreau

"Sleep - the most beautiful experience in
life - except drink."
- W.C. Fields

If you've known me for any length of time, you know that I can sleep like a champ. I LOVE sleeping. And yes, I understand that it is wasting part of my life away... but it just feels so good to lie there in those soft, billowing sheets with your head cradled in a fluffy imitation down pillow. Ahh... even just describing it makes me want to go take a nap. But lately, sleep has not been my friend. I can get cuddled up in my lovely bed, find my perfect position, and... nothing. I toss and I turn for hours until, finally, sleep finds me. This (along with not having any sort of a schedule) has pushed my sleep schedule back far beyond where my upcoming 8am schedule will eventually allow. I've been working to change this habit, but it's harder than it appears.

Anyone who remembers the joys of summer vacation also remembers the trials of going back to school. No more late night hours watching movies, hanging out with friends, or reading under the covers. That schedule change alone is enough to slowly shift your sleeping patterns; but my situation is a bit more complicated. I would assume anyone who has gone through trauma experiences something like this, but those dark moments between going to bed and falling asleep - when your mind races or inhabits what my sister calls "crazy brain" - those moments change. I've come to realize that those are some of our truest moments in the day. We can distract ourselves with work, errands, TV, friends, family... you name it, but when all distractions are gone and we are left alone in the dark with nothing but our mental faculties, we learn what is truly on our minds throughout the day. For me, it used to be lists. (I have learned that I feel more in control when I can articulate what I need to do and when.) But now, it's almost always baby related. Even on days when I feel emotionally stable and think I've kept my mind on other things, when I close my eyes, that's what is there. Sometimes, it's future related - only X many months until we can try again. What might happen? Will my back hold up? Other times it's memories, some more traumatic that others. At times, I can feel certain sensations (most not pleasant) from my time in the hospital and during the birthing process. Those are the worst nights. It's amazing how accurately my body can recall those sensations. But no matter what I do, I generally cannot pry my brain away from this subject.

I suppose in a way it's a good thing. When I am thinking about the future, I am much more motivated to get myself healthy. But when it means not falling to sleep until 3:00-4:00 am, it becomes a hassle. And, although I don't remember any bad baby related dreams (amazingly enough), the fear is always there that falling asleep while meditating on baby trauma will lead to baby related nightmares. The truly frustrating part is that I don't believe I can do anything to change any of this. All I can do is keep on keeping on and hope that, like the kid who is thrust back into the routine of school, my teaching schedule will force both my sleep and my brain back into normalcy.