Something to Talk About

I was a shy child. Anyone who knew me back then could tell you that. I often hid behind my mom at events and rarely spoke up. As you can probably guess, that's changed over time. I may have more stage fright than you might expect from reading my posts (and since I teach for a living) but when there's something that needs to be said, I will do my best to say it. Or, in this case, write it.

There are just so many things that people don't talk about. You'd think in our day and age we would be over these social taboos, but we're not. That is one of the reasons why I have chosen to write this blog and keep it up despite the loss of our pregnancy. People don't talk about the IVF process. People don't talk about what really happens during pregnancy. And people certainly don't talk about miscarriage and pre-term births. Throughout our process, I have asked myself "why?" and I've tried to break the cycle and talk about it... and people are reading what I write, so I hope that it is helping. And tonight I happened upon a TED Talks by Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman, the husband and wife team that co-founded babble.com. They spoke about four parenting taboos, one of which was miscarriage. There, I found Alisa Volkman answering one of my "why" questions - why don't women talk about miscarriage? It apparently happens quite often, so why the big secret? In their experience and research, shame was the answer for many women. Many women felt like they were at fault, at least partially, for the loss of their pregnancy. That is heartbreaking.

I had asked this same question to my sister several weeks back. She is not a mother and has not experienced miscarriage, but she proposed a similar theory. She didn't necessarily speak of women feeling they are to blame for their loss, but that perhaps there was a stigma attached or they felt shame in some other way. After watching this TED Talk, I also wonder if it's a fear of tarnishing the illusion of parenthood. Griscom and Volkman make the point that many couples are sold a false image when they jump on the parenting bandwagon. They see pictures of beautiful, smiling families having summer picnics or frolicking in the surf, yet no one tells them about the loneliness and depression, the crying kids, or the financial struggles to come. And if we talk about our families not being perfect - or worse - that not all pregnancies are easy and go as planned, then the shine starts to tarnish and people begin to question our abilities to... what? be parents? be "normal?" be true men or women? I'm not sure.

Now I understand that speaking about miscarriage is painful. Trust me, I completely understand that. And that also makes it difficult to talk about with others. But I think there is such value in the talking. We never question training, counselors or mentors for things like going to college, choosing a job/career, getting married, etc. These people and services help us to prepare mentally for things to come so we don't walk into our first job expecting to get paid $50 per hour with amazing benefits and where we can make our own hours. Why should we give one another more guarded information about something as monumental as becoming a parent?

So I wanted to share this TED Talk with you because I, too, believe that we need to talk about the taboo in order for people to build appropriate expectations for parenting. This way, we can all enjoy the process and find comfort with those who have experienced its highs and lows instead of groping our way in the dark, feeling isolated despite the others just out of reach beside us in the blackness.


http://www.ted.com/talks/rufus_griscom_alisa_volkman_let_s_talk_parenting_taboos.html