Well, the Facts of Life didn't quite prepare more for my 30s, but it's little mantra does seem appropriate for my life these days. I feel like I've had far more "bad" than "good" lately, but I really try to acknowledge and celebrate the "good"s. Some days it's just harder than others. Today was one of those days.
Before I go on, I guess I need to update you on my medical situation. You've probably read in my other posts about this back pain that began the morning I was admitted into the hospital and that reemerged on Sat. March 3 (when all the IV pain meds must have finally left my system). I had X-rays, chiropractic and an MRI, which revealed that I have a LARGE herniated disc in my lower back. Yes, the doctor really emphasized LARGE. My original appointment was last week and my MRI was Monday night of this week. All the while, I am in a lot of pain, taking Vicodin and Motrin every six hours, experiencing numbness and pain (yes, simultaneously) in my left calf and foot, and am unable to stand or walk for more than 10-15 minutes at a time. On Wednesday, I was told that I probably wouldn't hear from the Referral department until Monday, but I'm stubborn... and that's where my story begins.
Friday started off promisingly enough. I got a good night's sleep and got up at a decent time. (Side note: I've learned a dirty little trick you can use if you're ever in a somewhat depressing situation where you also rely on pain pills. Don't put the pills next to your bed. That way, you know you have to get up by whatever time you're scheduled to take them. I, for example, put pills out for my 4am "feeding," but not for my 10am one. That way, I know I won't stay in bed much past 10am!) I have been waiting for a referral from my doctor for my back for a few days and I was determined to be my own advocate today by calling the Referral department. That is precisely what I did and Alice was great! She was extremely helpful and said she would put the referrals in as soon as we got off the phone. My great hope was that I could get into Dr. Smith, who was to give me epidural shots for the pain, before the weekend. I had no hope of getting in to see Dr. Aryan - the back specialist/neurosurgeon - for a consult until next week or even the following, but if I could just get the pain under control... ah, it would be fabulous. And I'll admit, my hopes were up. But it was not to be. Someone from Dr. Smith's office did call (a small miracle in itself) but, alas, even with some begging and finagling, she couldn't get me in until next Thurs... and that is just for a consultation. I probably won't be able to get the shot until the following week! This sent me over the edge and I know there was desperation in my voice as I set the appointment. As soon as I got off the phone, I burst into tears at the thought of enduring the pain and the pill routine for another two weeks. And with that news, everything began to compile until I almost couldn't breathe...
As long as the pain continues, I can't walk, lift or do anything. I can barely bend down. Without mobility, I can't begin to get my strength back. Without strength, I can't change around what was supposed to be the nursery to be my new office and our new workout room. And I certainly can't start to get my body back to normal. And I want to change my body, not out of a desire to wear skinny jeans, but to not have to wear maternity clothes, which just remind me of the three little ones we should have, but don't.
I think you get the gist. It was one big downward mental spiral that lead to nothing good, despite my best intentions, and I have fluctuated in and out of this mental state all day. So, since I am about to head to bed, I will attempt to fill my mind (and my blog) with good things so that, hopefully, tomorrow will seem brighter and I will be able to enjoy this fabulous rain we are experiencing (since it is my favorite weather) instead of feeling it's gloom weigh upon my shoulders. So, good things...
* Oddly enough, I had pineapple for the first time in decades while I was in the hospital and discovered I really like it. Tonight, I had my first pineapple at home... and it was tasty!
* I found a great terry cloth bathrobe to replace one I loved, but that fell apart about a year ago.
* Yesterday, we returned the last of the baby supplies and bought fabulous new sheets for our bed.
* My dog sits with my when I cry and uses his cuteness to make me feel better.
* I bought a new book to read today. It's really popular and I've heard it's good.
* I also bought Andrew Bird's new album and everything he does is amazing. (I'm listening to it right now!)
* I've had some great lunches with friends these past two weeks.
* If the rain lets up tomorrow afternoon, gracious friends of a friend are going to help us get our recumbent exercise bike back from my mom's. Hopefully, it will help me get my strength back comfortably.
That's all I can think of at the moment and I'll admit that bad things also came to mind as I was trying to focus on the good, but it's a start.
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