Today is March 24, one month from the day between our losses. It's actually been five weeks, not four, but there is something about passing the dates on the calendar that make it seem more concrete. In some ways, I can't believe it's only been a month. In others, I feel like I'm exactly where I was when I came home after that horrible week: grateful to be home, in pain, trying to be optimistic, but feeling utterly overwhelmed.
There have definitely been changes since that first Sunday home. Some for the better and others, well, that I could do without. Physically, this week has been hard. I went from being in a lot of back/leg pain to feeling a little better, to finding out that I needed back surgery as soon as possible. That came as both a shock and as a welcome potential end to suffering - some chronic and some currently debilitating. My body is constantly changing and, while I definitely look less pregnant than I did, there are still far too many reminders of previous trauma and loss than I care to experience on a regular basis. Stretch marks on my right underbelly (only) remind me that there were two little ones fighting for space in that corner. Deflated breasts and belly just remind me that they were once filled with life-giving sustenance and life itself. And I'm sorry if this is too much information for you, but the fact that I am still bleeding - something that most women endure with disdain during their normal cycles - is all the more miserable when it marks an unfruitful series of deliveries.
And if that wasn't all, I've had other gynecological issues. (Note the new paragraph so you can skip it if this is too much information, but I think it's important to put it out there for women to know what really happens after events such as mine.) When I first arrived home from the hospital, I was experiencing fevers, chills, shaking, and general misery so my OBGYN put me on an antibiotic. This seemed to help, but didn't completely eliminate the symptoms. Instead, I simply experienced them more infrequently. I also experienced more abdominal pain that I had expected. I knew the pain was normal, as was bleeding after birth and a D & C, but after about four weeks, I started to question the duration of my symptoms. I called my OBGYN and spoke with a nurse practitioner who told me to take Motrin for the bleeding. (I've had several people question this as Motrin is apparently a blood thinner, but I think it may have to do with uterine contractions or the like.) Regardless, I stopped taking this on Thursday in preparation for surgery and that night experienced the trauma of passing (what I deem to be) large blood clots. Now, this was traumatic for several reasons. First, it was accompanied by a fever, shaking and other miseries. Second, I was passing 2-3 inch blood clots! Third, passing them was eerily reminiscent of giving birth and having Sebastian slowly pass from my body. And to make matters more complicated, we realized that this might prevent me from having the surgery on Wednesday.
So now I have a packed and yet tenuous schedule for this next week. On Monday morning, I make my first visit back to campus for a meeting, which I'm nervous about because I've been either on the verge of tears or weepy for days now. I also have to call my surgeon's office to tell them about the fever, clots, and remind them of my recent medical traumas to see if they interfere with my pending surgery. Then, in the afternoon I venture to my new dentist for two fillings. On Tuesday, I start the day with a 9:15 appointment with my OBGYN (who wasn't thrilled about my fevers and clots) and then wait by the phone to find out if my surgery has been approved and, if so, when my pre-op appointment is scheduled on that day. I assume I'll also find out the time of my surgery.
I think this would be overwhelming for just about anyone... and I'm feeling it. Crying used to help, but lately, it leaves me feeling inside out and more wretched. And I know that makes it sound like I should probably get some medical help, but there are times when I feel really good. It's just that when I feel bad, I feel really bad. And my mood seems to shift downward throughout the day. I may start optimistic and determined to be somewhat productive, but as I accomplish things, my mood darkens and I become more irritable. But I never feel that deep, dark weight that I had when I was clinically depressed, which brings me hope. But I know it may not appear that way from the outside (or even from my blog) and it's something I'm going to work on. I need to express my emotions regardless of how they come across, but I also need to be sure I express my feelings of hope, joy, happiness, productivity, and thanks on a more regular basis. Hopefully those expressions will work like smiles and laughter - where, even if you fake doing them, they eventually become real and change your mood. So I'll end on a few positive thoughts, as I've done before...
* I am incredibly thankful for my husband Brian and all he has endured and loved me through both this year and during our other (almost) eleven years of marriage.
* I am thankful for friends and family who check in on me and send me encouraging thoughts.
* I am hopeful that this surgery will go smoothly and provide relief from chronic back pain I have experienced since I was 18 years old.
* I am happy that I have technology - such as this blog and social networking sites - where I can express myself, reach others, and have them reach me.
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