Uneventful

I know, anyone who has read of my previous posts about our losses and my recent back issues will say that our lives are anything but uneventful these days, and that's true. But as my husband and I were sitting at home watching TV, I began to think of the planning and "looking forward" we were doing just two months ago - about how our lives would be so different in the coming months and how we wouldn't have these nice, quiet, slightly boring nights at home. And to be honest, I was looking forward to that. This is not to say that I don't enjoy being able to sleep in or sit around watching mind-numbing television, but after almost eleven years of marriage, I was ready for a change. I think we both were. This just isn't the change we were expecting.

So now what do we do with ourselves? It's an excellent question and one we've been struggling with even before all of this went down. We certainly didn't want to have a child (or what turned out to be children) simply because we were bored, but this feeling of uneventfulness has been present here for quite some time. One of us will get a good idea, but the other won't really be into it. We'll plan something and not follow through. Then, something will happen and someone or something will let us down and we begrudge everything for awhile until the cycle begins again. Being pregnant gave us both something to hope and plan for... and it provided some activities and even new circles of friends. Now that our path has changed, we need some new direction and I don't think either of us know where to get it.

It's even more difficult right now because my life feels so confined. I received an epidural shot on Wed. of this week and that has definitely helped with the pain and I no longer need pain medication, which has allowed me to get out a bit more and have a little longer "standing power." But I still can't push myself physically. In the back of my mind, I can see this disproportionately sized herniation in my back and that stops me from doing most things... and those I do attempt are done with caution. (Which is, of course, a good thing in the grand scheme.) And I know that in only a week and a half, I am going to have major surgery on my spine, be in the hospital for three days, and then not be able to do much of anything. I won't be able to bend down (at all, from what I hear), do anything strenuous, or even sit for more than 20-30 minutes at a time. That makes drives, movies, even dinners out pretty much impossible for about two months. That's a pretty scary future to see ahead of yourself. Even though I know it's for the best in the long-run, it's something that I'm really not looking forward to... and those are just the side effects. The fact that they are cutting open my back, removing parts of my spine and then replacing them with other stuff is mind blowing and I can't think about it without having a mild panic attack. But I digress.

The point is, our lives have changed and yet they have stayed exactly the same. It's a strange dichotomy and I don't know what to do with it. Despite everything, we are looking forward to trying this whole pregnancy/IVF thing again, but that can't happen until December (at the earliest) and I don't want to just lie in wait and expect that to fix everything. I want us to be as happy as possible, live our lives as fully as possible, and create new experiences that we can then bring a new little one (or ones) into with us. I don't want for that little one to be the answer, although I hope s/he (they) will become an answer. But in the meantime, I don't know how to solve this uneventful life we have going and to be honest, that also scares me a bit. We only get one life and I want us to enjoy it. Our marriage has endured a lot recently and I think we have weathered the storms quite well. Now, we need to figure out how to navigate normalcy and try to put some spark back in the daily grind. We just have to figure out how.