How Are You?

It seems, no matter who I talk to, someone is always asking me how I am, but depending on the asker, there are different underlying emphases. It may be a question about my body - is my back better? How is my healing process from the birthing and the D and C? Or maybe it's about my emotions - how many times have I cried today? How often do I feel sad? And then there's the biggie - is it really grief or am I suffering from postpartum depression? That is the hardest question of them all.

When I was in my early 20's, my family went through some tough times. We moved my grandparents from their home in Los Angeles to my mom's house in Fresno because my Granddaddy had anal/rectal cancer. I was trying to be a full time student, help my mom by watching Mama while she took Granddaddy for his chemo, and work nights. I wasn't very successful at this juggling act. School took a backseat and I found it harder and harder to get out of bed. That's when I determined that I was probably suffering from depression and went to see my doctor. So I know what depression - true depression, not just "I'm having a bad day" - feels like, or so I thought.

When I suffered from depression before, it was a feeling of extreme apathy. It was struggling to get up or to motivate myself to do, well, anything. It wasn't sadness. I didn't sit around crying because I didn't have anything to mourn. Now I do. So if a sad thought or memory pops into my head and I break down, does that mean I have postpartum depression? What if that is paired with a sense of apathy? But who feels motivated and chipper when they have experienced loss? My guess would be very few people. So now I am left in the exact same spot asking the exact same question: how am I?

I thought I was doing okay - and maybe I was - until we had to pick up the ashes from the funeral parlor last Friday. There is nothing quite so final as the literal representation of "Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust," especially when it's in your own hands. That brought me to a whole new level of grieving and that weekend I felt the apathy creep in as well. But it's never 100%. I stayed at home while Brian and the guys went out to dinner and was a little sad, but okay. Then, as they decided to hit the pub, I became more apathetic until I decided to join them. I can't say I was a ball of joy, but I was out and enjoying time with our friends. But the next day I felt down again. We visited a few open houses just for the fun of it, but it's wasn't as enjoyable as it normally is for me. Monday brought more balance... until I decided to return a few toys we had bought for the nursery. I was completely taken by surprise by how emotional a process that was for me and I found myself crying off and on the rest of the day. But is that depression or is it grief? I simply don't know.

Since I am pretty self-aware and felt the change last Friday, I really hoped I would see a pattern over the weekend so that I could provide an accurate report of my mental well-being at my doctor's appointment today. Unfortunately, I feel no closer to an answer than I did last week. I cry, but not always alone. I feel apathy, but also spend time with friends. I sleep, but I also take a lot of (necessary) pain killers. I have a yearning to just get in my car and drive, but generally run an errand and find myself back at home. I sit lost in thought, but I also take time to write. So, is this postpartum or does it need to be my list without the "but"s? I only wish I knew. I don't want to take medication I don't need. (I'm already on plenty. I'm almost to the point where I need one of those weekly pill boxes that older people use.) But on the other hand, I don't want to suffer unnecessarily. And a lot of people don't talk about this kind of stuff, so it's hard to find people with experience who can provide insight. (Yet another reason why I feel this blog is important.) So, I must end this entry in the same way I currently feel: unresolved.