Good Timing

Although we didn't plan it this way, our decision to begin IVF again in November came at the perfect time. Anything having to do with babies and pregnancy weigh heavily after you have lost one, and there were a ton of people I knew who were pregnant and having babies shortly after we lost our triplets. But the biggest hurdle for me was a friend who had struggled through IVF during many, many cycles became pregnant with triplets and who told me within a month after our loss. I understood her excitement, fear and desire to reach out to the only person who could come close to understanding her situation, but it was difficult nonetheless. Well, today she had her triplets. From what I understand, mom and babies are doing well. Now, of course, we are happy for her; but there is still that pang of resentment - of why did it work for her and not for me? I know it's irrational, but it's there.

But that wasn't all. Another dear friend of ours recently learned that their baby has a birth defect that may take her life before she is ever born. Today, her doctor confirmed that the chances are virtually nonexistent, but they are choosing to go forward with the pregnancy to see what happens. This hit close to home for me. Although our circumstances were very different, we were faced with a similar decision after we lost Ewan. The twin's sack was no longer in tact and had to be sewn up and we weren't sure about Amelia's position. Things were tenuous and we had the option to end it right there. But I had hope. If there was even a chance that I could keep them inside long enough for them to survive, I had to do it. That is the same decision my friend has made. Shortly thereafter, she asked friends for any advice for coping with that decision. Despite my shared experience, I had nothing to give. On the one hand, you want to encourage hope. On the other, you know the odds are staring you down. You have to stick with hope and endure the result. It takes a strong person to make that decision and it's a position I wish on no one.

These two scenarios are poignant reminders of our not so distant past: the struggles, the possibilities, the loss. They break my heart, but there is this glint of redemption in November. I don't mean to say that a baby will solve everything. (In fact, it will complicate many things.) But trying again represents our ability to overcome a fear. It's like metaphorically getting back on the horse, I suppose. It's something we can to not to overcome, but to move forward. And it becomes that little reminder that all is not lost.