Two Months

It's been two months since our life path took a downward turn. On Feb. 23, 2012 we lost our first born son, Ewan - the first of triplets to come into this world for far too short a time. In some ways, this feels like an eternity ago. In others, the pain is so close that I can't believe two months have passed. And in other ways, it seems too surreal to have actually happened. I have days where they rarely cross my mind, but others where the urge to touch them is so incredibly strong that I can do nothing but mourn the distance. I'm afraid today may be one of those days.

The thing that continues to surprise me the most is how much I miss these children that I didn't ever get a chance to know. So many people who have lost loved ones will say that they expect to see them walk through a door or show up for work or to a family function. I guess I've never had that experience. The loved ones I've lost have not lived near me or have slowly faded from my life (generally due to illness) before they have actually passed. In that way, I had learned to live without them long before they were truly gone. But in this case, we never really had our loved ones. It's weird because they were obviously with me all of the time, but I never really felt them or experienced them. Because of where the placentas were, I never felt the babies kick or move until they were out of my body. This is also something I mourn. If I had felt their movement during the pregnancy, I would have been able to feel their presence for longer than the few hours we had them after their births. But that's all the time we were given. On so many occasions, I feel like we will get them back. I know it's impossible, but it's such a horrendous thing that sometimes my brain won't let me acknowledge that it actually happened and those 5 1/2 months of pregnancy were for nothing. But then I remember the pictures and sneak a peek at the ashes we still have not been able to scatter, and I realize that it did happen. That I can't change it and I will never know my three beautiful children and it breaks my heart. It's amazing how quickly life can change.

So, two months out. Where does that leave us? Despite the waves of sadness, I still believe we're handling this experience in a healthy way. We continue to talk about it when needed, distract ourselves when necessary, and try to look towards the future without ignoring the past. My body is finally starting to recover from a horribly prolonged healing process. It took a second D&C to rid my body of extra crap in my uterus so that I could stop bleeding, cramping, passing blood clots, and running 100+ degree fevers. Now that one aspect of my health has recovered, I'm focusing all of my efforts on getting my insurance to preauthorize the spine surgery that I need for a full recovery. I'm scheduled for a second (more powerful) epidural injection in about two weeks to help with the pain and have been calling Cigna almost every day to follow up on the appeal process. I also have a referral in to another spine specialist for back-up and possibly other options. I am determined to fix this last remaining physical reminder of this horrible period in our lives so that I can get back to normal day-to-day life. Right now, I will begin short-term disability and not return to work until the beginning of July. Hopefully, that will be enough time to process the appeal, get the surgery and recover. Until then, my life is pretty sedentary and uneventful. (Except for all of the angry phone calls and lots of time on hold.) Although I still can't quite fathom the idea of returning to work and being held responsible for a batch of students, the idea of going back to "normal" life is definitely appealing. Not to mention wanting to rid myself of this physical pain. I am very grateful, though, for my gracious employers, full-time work that offers short-term disability benefits, and a fabulous husband who supports whatever I need in order to heal physically, mentally, and emotionally.

So, onward and upward. My battle to slay the dragon that is Cigna and win my prize (can back surgery really be considered a prize?) continues. Hopefully my three month post will be filled with good news and healing of all sorts.