Movie Magic

We all know that movies employ their own special type of magic - from costumes to makeup and special effects to overly wrought scripts. But I always thought that actor's reactions were the most overdone of all. No one is really that in love. No one would react in that extreme a manner to a dramatic situation. But I've come to realize that some of those reactions are not so fictional; I simply hadn't experienced the stimuli needed to evoke them.

My first real experience was this was a few years ago. I was commuting from Fresno to Visalia, 100 miles round trip through mostly farmland, and on my drive home one day noticed a strange smell. I then started to scan the road for the source of said aroma and I noticed one of those big, blue trashmobiles - the kind that usually clamber through your neighborhood at some God awful hour to toss your bins into their larger one. But this one was different - there was a cow leg sticking out of it. I soon realized that the truck was carrying what appeared to be a large heap of bovine carcasses! And as soon as that realization hit me, my hand immediately shot to my mouth as a small gasp escaped from my lips... just like one might see in a movie.

As traumatic as that was, it doesn't hold a candle to what I have experienced lately. When people say their heart is breaking, you feel it's cliched and (at least I) generally feel they are being over-dramatic. When you see characters in movies doubled over and in tears, I write that off to emotional manipulation - and sometimes just bad acting. But it is actually possible to feel that kind of sadness. I understand that now. It is possible to feel like something inside you has been ripped apart and you don't know how to be whole any more. Now, the movie situations may not accurately correlate to those emotions, but they are possible.

Today, I learned of another emotion that I previously felt was over-dramatic and unrealistic - and I wish I could say it was a happy one. This evening I received a call from the surgery scheduler about my back surgery. I had been groomed to expect good news and have been preparing for surgery early next week, but the news was not good. My insurance (Cigna) had denied my claim. I went numb as the scheduler explained the situation and gave me some tips on how to appeal it (which, luckily, I had the good sense to write down) but I knew the aftermath would not be pretty. When we finally hung up, I was in tears because my surgery had already been put off two weeks and I have been in an increasing amount of pain in the last few days. Plus, I mean, seriously!? Could I just catch a break here? Please? But then I went from sad to gut-wrenchingly sad to almost catatonic. I would just stand in the kitchen and stare at nothing or find myself rocking slightly in some random spot - just like in the movies. And then I was mad! So mad that I was punching the air because I didn't have anything else to hit. I couldn't believe it. I had never felt like that before and, with any luck, I won't have to feel that way again. But it is possible. I just think Hollywood trivializes those emotions by pairing them with more benign events, which makes people like me doubt their existence and even possibly wonder if something is wrong with me because I haven't had those reactions to those experiences. And now that I have experienced them, well, I kind of wish I hadn't.

Although they may lend to an interesting blog or musing session, most of my movie magic emotions have stemmed from shock or despair and I feel I've had enough of those things. I am ready for the happy ending that Hollywood also promises. This is the point in my story where the audience thinks, "Wow. She can't take much more of this" and then things start to look up: the fairy godmother appears, the hero gets a chance to prove himself, the hero/ine realizes an important clue that will help solve the mystery. That's what I want. I can't get my children back and I can't reverse the damage done to my body, but some magical insurance fairy can certainly work her magic to get me this surgery covered so that my healing can begin and I can set a path for "normal" life once again. So come on Hollywood. It's time for some real life magic here.