Perspective

Today has been a weird day, full of ups and downs. This isn’t terribly abnormal for me, but now my thoughts bounce back and forth between various baby and medically themed things. I woke up optimistic and in a good mood, which is not normal for me. (I am quite the grouch in the morning.) I’m not sure when my mental tide changed, but it did and on my drive home from work this morning, I found myself thinking of previous conversations I have had with friends about the whole idea of Invitro and even the extreme measures we can take these days to preserve the life of a child/preemie who, in nature, isn’t equipped to live. It wasn’t long ago that I proclaimed that, even if we were deemed infertile, I was sure we wouldn’t take the medical route - that we would adopt or simply concede to a life without offspring. But somewhere along the way our plan, like my mood, changed.

I suppose it’s because this is a male problem and, even though the process involves my body (to a much higher degree than I had originally anticipated), it seems more natural to help a little swimmer reach it’s goal than to manipulate a woman’s body that is not willing to generate new life. But is there really a difference? On the one hand, technology is an amazing thing and we should take advantage of it, right? But on the other, if there is a legitimate reason why anyone’s body puts up a fight or shuts down in the procreative process, shouldn’t that tell us something? I use to think so, but when you’re on the other end of the argument (the side looking at the growing list of pregnant friends and imagining that never happening to you) it becomes difficult to see things the same way. I suppose that’s true for many things. If only we could experience life situations from multiple perspectives, this world would be a better, more empathetic, place. But I digress.

For now, I’m in a bit of a funk. Perhaps it’s because I started developing symptoms of PMS yesterday. Perhaps that is making the reality of this – and it’s rapidly approaching start date – more present… more, real. It’s not that I’m not excited to get this started. In fact, I think it’s breathing new life into my marriage – giving us a new thing to look forward to and plan together. And I think that’s healthy. But it is a daunting task. There are lots of meds, trips out to the doctor, medical bills… and I’ve only told one person that we’ve begun this journey. (Other than you, my curious reader.) There is fear there, too. First, fear in making it real by talking about it with someone, face to face. Fear in the idea that our attempts may fail and we would have to admit that to people other than ourselves. But there is also joy and healing in the process of telling. That’s why I started this blog in the first place. It is cathartic to put into words complicated emotions and hear responses, feedback, praise, questions… whatever… from people you love and trust. So maybe sharing is at least part of the answer. And maybe it just comes with the territory. This is a monumental decision and if we took it lightly – felt no joy, fear, anxiety, excitement – I think that would speak volumes about us. So I am grateful for the emotions and grateful for the technology that allows me to share them. And when happiness isn’t realistic, I think gratefulness is a fantastic place to start.