Healing

It's been almost a month since my last post. Luckily, things have been pretty slow around here. I guess it has been a time for healing... in many different senses of the word.

On June 15, 2012 I finally got my back surgery. I knew it wouldn't be a quick fix, but I was disappointed by the results. I came out of surgery in excruciating pain and, since I had been on Vicodin for so long, the pain meds barely scratched the surface. Although my surgeon had told me that some people don't even need medication after the procedure, it was painfully clear (pun intended) that I would not be one of those people. Progress has been slow and at my four week appointment, my surgeon was disappointed that I was still experiencing sciatica pain. (The sciatic is a large nerve that runs down your back and legs and, when pinched, causes pain and numbness.) However, I also saw a spine specialist that same week who was optimistic and quite pleased with my progress. (I guess this is why we get second opinions, huh?) I had learned of a new treatment called fibrin, which regrows discs in the spine, that is going through the final stages of clinical trials. I wanted to know if this specialist knew the fibrin guy and what other options he might have for long-term care of my spine now that the herniation is gone. He spoke highly of this new treatment, but said it would cost me between $15,000 - $30,000 since I need three levels... and I might need to have the procedure done more than once. (It's not FDA approved yet, so no insurance will cover it.) Since we had already gone down that financial road for IVF in the first place, his second (and actually much more emphatic) suggestion was to get in the best shape of my life and stay there. So that's what I'm doing.

My husband and I have both been on a health and weight loss track, so we joined a local gym. And yes, in case you're wondering, we have in fact used the membership. I have to take it slow because, technically, I don't have the okay to do anything more than walking and riding a recumbent bike. But I'm determined to get active and get my body back into shape. Of course, I want this so that I can get back into my "skinny" pants (not skinny jeans), but it's also about the health of my spine. And that will affect my entire life... and my ability to potentially carry a child again (hopefully just one, this time!) which we hope to do in another 4-6 months. I'm sure some people feel that is too soon emotionally, but I feel that it will help the healing process. We have never ignored or repressed our feelings about losing our three babies. We can't get them back, but we can try again and hopefully have a successful second journey.

So... we are healing. There are still tough days, but there are more good ones than bad. We have seen new lives come into the world since we lost ours and we have hope for more healing in the coming months. I will be returning to work in August, which I am both eager and terrified to do. I posted awhile back about how hard it is to tell some excited person that our triplets didn't make it. And all of my students knew. I dread entering the classroom and having to tell students this... and then having to continue my day as a professional. Luckily, I'm doing a soft return to work. Since it's the middle of our 8-week session, I get to work on the office side for a few weeks. My hope is that I run into enough students to spread the word before my true role at work begins again. But I suppose I'll jump that hurdle when I get to it.

For now, we are continuing to take one day at a time. We work through the bad days, celebrate the good ones, and we try to keep each other motivated to continue healing and strengthening our bodies and our spirits. And, all things considered, I think we're doing pretty well.