In the past two weeks, I have visited the ER for blood work, had a vaginal ultrasound, taken medications, had an X-Ray of my uterus, and consulted with my fertility doctor about our IVF schedule. Today, I received my temperature controlled box of medication and syringes. And in the next three weeks I will have my blood drawn at least three times and have a minimum of two doctor's appointments. And in that fourth week? That's when IVF will occur. Needless to say, I'm feeling a little anxious.
With this last visit, I received a lot of information, but one specific sheet was about stress. It said that women preparing to undergo IVF often have the same stress levels of a person undergoing treatment for a terminal illness. This is not comforting, but it is reassuring that I'm not going nuts. Yesterday, I was nauseous from the time of our appointment until I went to sleep. I kept sighing every 5-10 minutes. I took a lot of deep breaths. But right before I went to bed, I asked myself, "why are you so stressed out?" I couldn't really answer. For many women, the procedures themselves are the scary part. So many people don't like doctors and hospitals that the thought of blood being taken or going in for outpatient surgery sends them through the roof. But I'm not that way. It's not that I enjoy having medical work done, but I don't dread it, either. Is it the shots? Perhaps. I have to say the prospect of stabbing myself in the stomach every day for a while, and then twice a day for a while after that, does not leave me with a warm fuzzy feeling. But I'm sure once I've done it once or twice, the fear of the unknown will vanish and it will become just another minor procedure. Perhaps it's impending parenthood and the stresses of actually being pregnant. That is something that seems daunting, too. I guess the bottom line is that I'm scared of the unknown.
So how do I relieve that stress? How do I make myself not anxious or afraid of what's ahead? I am not generally an anxious person, but this is different. But I am also told that I need to minimize stress during all of this. Easy for them to say! They're not teaching four eight-week classes and having people shove stuff into veins and orifices every few days! They say communication, yoga, and deep breathing will help. But I'm doing these things and my stomach still feels like a tight ball in my torso. I now have a box of needles and a vial of medication in my refrigerator, which I'm going to see every day when I open up the door to get a snack. But I don't even have to open the door to be reminded of this. I have paperwork to sign, tests to take, reminders on my phone... not to mention dietary restrictions and the changes that are already going on in my body. I want to be excited about this - the process and the intended result. I've written about keeping an emotional buffer, but we've talked about the need to be excited. To not expect the worse and celebrate the possibilities. But I don't even know how to do that! I bought a really cool book called The Pregnant Body, which I've been reading. But in my head, the only real thing is the next step, whether it's the meds, an appointment or a procedure. And then there is work... and time off in week four... and...
How do you turn off your brain and just do what needs to be done? My husband has been great thus far and he wants to be my "rock," so that when I feel lost or confused (or name any other love song cliche) I can (wait for it) lean on him. This is great, but sometimes it makes him seem detached. Perhaps he is detached. I mean, it's not his body. He may have to help give me shots, but they're not going in his belly. His hormones aren't going to go crazy. He's not going to get morning sickness or watch his belly grow exponentially!
But I want to be happy about all of this. And I think I am, beneath all of the panic. I want my friends (those who we've told) to be excited, and they probably are beneath the distractions of their own lives. I want to accept that this is happening - that we have chosen it (and are paying a lot for this choice) - and enjoy it through all of it's stages. Maybe if I keep writing, saying, and thinking this mantra, it will be true. And in between the mantra? Lots of deep breaths.
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